Seriously though I would like to die now please. Fingers crossed for a fatal car crash on the way home!! :D
The edge is so close… You don’t even realize that you’re close until you’re right there and then you look back and wonder how you got there. Then after you’re done looking back, you peer over that edge and wonder what it would be like to just step off. It doesn’t look that far down. Would anyone notice? Would he care? Does it hurt?
There are a lot of different parts to the story of Brandon and myself-one being that there really ISN’T a story. After texting him for a few months and several empty promises to meet me, he never did. The thing that was different was that I sexted him and the sexting started out earlier than I care to admit. Desperation, sluttiness, call it what you will-it happened. And of course as a 20 year old never been kissed virgin, it seemed like a big deal and I so wanted to justify my behavior by meeting him and going through the proper channels for earning that kind of intimacy. Well I believe it was during the early stages of our correspondence that I was making a complaint about him to my best friend and she said something that both shocked and hurt me. “Beggars can’t be choosers.” I’m sure she didn’t mean it the way I took it but I resented it nonetheless. Of course I did. No one wants to admit they’ve become the beggar. But as a realist, the sting of that revaluation passed and I began to embrace the term. I have known for a long time that there will be no fairy tale happy ending for me and that there is no Prince Charming or Mr. Right and that whoever the one person I’m supposed to find in this life doesn’t exist. People would say that I’m too young to make such assumptions but there are some things you just feel in your heart to be true despite how much you wish it weren’t. In any case, my friend turned out to be right. I kept texting and sexting. It was an addicting idea that someone could be so attracted to me and it was something I had never experienced before. But it became like poison and even though I knew he was never serious about anything I continued to talk to him hoping he would initiate more dirty-talk as it were because it made me feel good if only for a while. And that is a dangerous loop to be caught in. Well one day he was supposed to come over to the house to meet me and when he cancelled it was disappointing to say the least-especially since it was about the 7th or 8th time he had done so. My Grandma was furious and told me to kick him to the curb but I referred her to that old proverb that had been referred to me: “Beggars can’t be choosers.” The next day, after some time to think about that, she came back to me even more furious. “You said something yesterday I didn’t like. ‘Beggars can’t be choosers.’ Well you can CHOOSE not to be a beggar!” And I think it’s great that she can believe that but I can’t. I can’t afford to. What I CAN believe is facts. FACT: I am a 20 year old virgin who has not even experienced her first kiss, never been asked out, never been on a date. FACT: by definition that makes me the beggar-especially if I want a relationship as badly as I do. You can spin that proverb into any inspirational bullshit you want but at the end of the day, like it or not, agree with it or not, facts are facts and you can’t change it. I would love not to be the beggar. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be for me. Love may not be possible in my future but there are some things I can do for myself like finding a guy who finds me sexually attractive and getting my first kiss-maybe even making out just so I can feel not so alone for once even if it does turn out to be a hollow mistake. And that’s part of the reason I kept texting him. I’m just as shallow in my reasons for corresponding as he is. No matter what the delusional side of myself says (maybe you can change his mind about a relationship) it was never going to be about finding companionship. It makes me sound so cold-I know. But one does what one can to protect oneself. And in the middle of trying to battle the poison and my own intentions I wound up getting hurt again which is something I hate to admit. I hate knowing that while I affect someone so minimally, they can have this power over me so easily. He got the best of me and he didn’t deserve it and I hate that I let it happen. I’m giving him until the end of the week to make an effort to see me. It’s not an ultimatum for him but for me. If he can’t prove us all wrong by the end of the week like I hope he will, then I have to let it go and count my losses. Even if it will be hard to miss the heated words that come in secret at night that fill me with hope and make me feel wanted, it is something I will have to do. As desperate a beggar I am, a stupid one I am not or trying not to be at least. Although I can find comfort in seeing things for what they are, I am susceptible to falling back into that dangerous loop, the addicting poison, as easily as one sleeps through too many snooze cycles. Beggars can’t be choosers but I can know when to stop begging.
Some people think they have it all figured out. Hell, maybe they do. But they always make it seem like they're so above everyone-like they have transcended the pitfalls, trials, and tribulations of the human experience, and that anyone can be on their level but people are just too stupid, lazy, or scared to follow their brave and sterling example of how to live one's life. "You have to be complete with yourself before you can be complete with someone else." Maybe that feeling of completeness is different for some people. Am I somehow lacking if I feel I would be happier in a relationship rather than perpetually single? Does wanting another person to love, and love me make me an incomplete person? I don't think it's as black and white as all that... I know myself very well. I have a family and a friend and a few friendly acquaintances. I am a hard worker when I need to be and I'm lazy when I can afford to be. I eat too much. I think too much. I worry too much. I do and am all these things and more. I know that my life without a significant other could be one of contentment if not happiness. Is that incomplete? What if I am a complete half of someone else? What if there's someone out there who is that missing piece? And isn't that the point of love? To have no shame in admitting you NEED someone else? That one special someone? Isn't saying "I don't need you to be happy" just a way of dealing with rejection before it's happened? If you are so happy and complete, why are you looking for a partner? Maybe I am complete enough to admit I don't have the answers. Maybe I am complete enough to know that even if I invested in a bunch of pretentious TEDTalks and self-help books I still wouldn't be able to delude myself into thinking I could be TRULY happy without my soulmate. I may not have answers and this whole tangent could be complete bull shit but I can tell ya I don't need some soapbox preacher telling me how to live my life and what I need to be happy.
Is it strange that I kind of wished this would have happened?? X)
On my wedding day (if I ever have one which is highly doubtful since you need TWO people to get married) I am going to slap my husband for not showing up earlier in my life…
I was so lonely and so tired of being the third wheel that I created this fantasy for myself, as I always do. I chose what I wanted to hear to fit my imagination’s framework. I always get so cocky-thinking that as long as long as I KNOW it is a dream, it won’t hurt me. I guess it’s one thing when you have a crush from a distance and another thing when there’s a real person on the other end feeding your miserable shadow of hope. And at some point, even knowing it isn’t real isn’t enough. No I never loved him, but I HOPED that I could and I HOPED that if he met me, he would reciprocate. But I shouldn’t have. And in the midst of the fantasy, I gave a tiny piece of myself away that I didn’t intend. And i will have to do the hard thing, admit that I was wrong and wake up from the dream because it’s what’s best for me. But what do I do now? Continue this endless cycle of delusion and denial, hurt and shame under the pretentious guise of “never giving up?” Or do I cut my losses, mend what can be mended and make a life for myself in which I can be content if not happy? Is it even up to me? The only thing I have ever wanted in this life is the one thing I apparently am unable to find. I keep gambling and I find I am overdrawn. Now the loneliness feels even deeper having had the illusion of getting closer to my goal. And it’s my own damn fault.
If no one else thinks I’m worth it, how can I?
I just lost my sexting virginity. No pictures or anything but… It’s not like I’m riddled with guilt or anything it’s just.. Idk.